Berk: Development Throught the Lifespan

TIM—RENEWAL AT MIDLIFE

Tim had married in his late-twenties, shortly after accepting an attractive job offer in the customer service division of a large insurance firm. Over the next decade, he moved up the corporate ladder step by step, becoming the top-ranking executive in his division by age 38. His home life, however, was less satisfying. At first, Tim and his wife, Linda, looked like a good match. They had grown up in the same city, were both Methodists, and had parents who provided models of stable, happy marriages. Yet they had little in common. Tim relished the out-of-doors—weekend bike-a-thons, hiking, and backpacking. Linda was drawn to city travel, theater, and shopping.

Rather than capitalizing on their divergent interests as a source of personal growth, Tim and Linda gradually became estranged from each other. Fertility problems complicated the situation. After several years of trying to conceive, the couple consulted a doctor, who diagnosed damaged fallopian tubes and fibroid tumors of the uterus as the cause of Linda's inability to bear children. Treatment was impossible, and he recommended a hysterectomy. After the operation, Linda became increasingly distant. Her contempt for Tim surfaced in subtle ways. At gatherings with family and friends, she would look away, refuse Tim's offer to bring her a drink, and generally block out his presence. As Linda shut Tim out emotionally, people noticed—and commented in private that the marriage was destined to fail. Most were surprised that it lasted 12 years.

To escape the tension of divorce proceedings, Tim threw himself into his work. He oversaw the development of a more efficient computerized record system, mentored new employees, and expanded the company's range of customer services. He soon won the admiration and respect of his boss and members of his division. In his professional life, Tim felt a sense of mastery—in charge of things, able to handle many complex tasks at once, and secure in his standards for himself and others.

Tim and Linda's divorce was finalized just after Tim's fortieth birthday, and Tim began dating immediately. On late Friday afternoons, he continued to meet regularly with several friends at a local bar and grill—occasions the men called "the seminar." Tim's conversations were different than they had been a year earlier. He was preoccupied with attracting women, detailed his escapades, and repeatedly questioned his friends about "what women are like" and "what they want." Stuart and Harry, who had known Tim for many years, were amused at his turn of interest.

"You think when you're married to one woman that she's the standard for what's out there," Tim disclosed at one of the seminars. "You know—what she expects from you, what she wants to do on weekends, even what she dislikes about you. Then, when you start to look around, you discover there's a whole varied world out there!"

Stuart laughed. "I was an experimenter like you, Tim, just after I turned forty. Part of one of those 'midlife crises.' As you know, Megan and I split and lived apart for over a year. I thought I had missed something, but the flings with younger women never amounted to anything. I was lucky Megan was willing to reconcile, and to convince the kids to take me back, too. I realized what I had in my marriage—not just a lover, but a friend."

Tim was silent for a few moments, trying to assimilate Stuart's message. Then he said quizzically, "It's possible to have that after so many years?"

"Sure," Harry remarked. "Like you said yourself, Tim—what you and Linda had, that's not all that's out there."

A year later, Tim met Judy, with whom he shared a decade-long relationship. Judy had been widowed and, despite hardship, had raised three children successfully. Now, as life offered her more freedom and choices than she had had in many years, she wasn't anxious to remarry and turned down Tim's proposals. As Tim entered his early fifties, the two drifted apart.

In the meantime, Tim's career reached new heights. He won several company awards for productivity and recruiting and nurturing new talent. His division became known for its employee-friendly, cooperative, goal-oriented atmosphere, and he was deluged with applicants for vacant positions. He was also instrumental in the company's success in entering several new markets.

Then, on a blind date his sister arranged, Tim—now 55 years old—began to see Elena. The two connected easily, talking late into the evening. Like Tim, Elena loved biking, camping, leisurely evening walks, and barbecuing in the back yard. But Elena, at age 48, was in midst of major life changes—a divorce of her own and dealing with a troubled daughter, a change in careers, and a move from the city that was a constant reminder of her unhappy past. In her thirties, she had separated from her husband, later returned to the marriage, and told him of her desire to go back to school, which he firmly opposed. She put her own desires on hold because of her daughter's academic and emotional difficulties and her husband's resistance. Whereas Tim had reached the peak of his vocation and was ready to enjoy life, Elena wanted to recapture much of what she had missed in earlier decades—not just a satisfying close relationship, but opportunities to realize her talents.

Elena had given up her position as a reporter for a small-town newspaper and was pursuing an advanced degree in creative writing with passionate commitment. Six months after they met, Tim and Elena moved in together. Still, Elena remained unsure about marriage. She had applied for several college teaching positions and couldn't commit to remaining with Tim. After being together only 6 months, Elena took a job in another state.

"I don't know where I fit into Elena's plans," Tim mused at the seminar. The next week, when Tim's sister called to tell him that their father had been stricken by a severe stroke, Tim's priorities became clearer. While his sister provided hands-on care in her own home—cooking , feeding, and bathing—Tim looked in every evening, reading to his father, running errands, making household repairs, and taking care of finances. As his father deteriorated physically and mentally and was no longer his former self, Tim felt grief-stricken over the loss of a cherished parental relationship.

Later that year, Tim's father died—an event that reawakened Tim's consciousness of a finite lifespan and the importance of close family ties. As Tim looked inward, he recognized his overwhelming desire for a gratifying intimate partnership. By scaling back his own vocational pursuits, he saw that he could grant Elena the time and space she needed to build a rewarding career—and that doing so might deepen their attachment to one another.

Tim took early retirement and moved to be with Elena. A few months later, they married. In his new community, Tim devoted himself to public service—tutoring second graders in a public school, transporting inner-city children to museums, and coaching after-school and weekend youth sports. For Tim, like many executives, retirement offered the first opportunity to pay attention to the world around him.

Extending the Websketch

Chapter 15

What cognitive changes of middle age are manifested in Tim's career achievements?
Is Elena a typical returning student? Is her circumstance consistent with research findings on factors that trigger a return to formal education in midlife? Explain.

Chapter 16

Major midlife change occurred around age 40 for Tim, about a decade later (at age 48) for Elena. What accounts for this sex difference, also evident in the research literature? Would you characterize Tim and Elena's revised life structures as midlife crises? Why or why not?
Describe personality changes Tim displayed in middle adulthood. What factors contributed to the changes?
Did Tim and Elena each become more androgynous during middle age? Explain.
Tim and Elena each were divorced in middle adulthood. What personal and social forces probably led them to reevaluate their marital lives?
Do Tim and Elena reflect typical sex differences in vocational development during midlife? Explain